The Tales Of A Lonely Flower

Well this is my second blog in one night, the first was too long anyway and could of gone on forever but I thought I'd explain the meaning behind the name tales of a lonely flower.

It comes from a song which comes from a anime called Bleach

Which talks about being alone may change someone, it has changed me, no idea for the better or worse but it's not a very nice way to feel. The name means that I can be alone if I need to be, which makes it eaiser for me to plan a escape from certain people. For example I am planning to do this when I get to sixth form when my best mate goes to sixth form and his girl friend, then I hoepfully won't have to see Kath anymore and then hopefully I won't have to love her as much asd I do, more admiring from afar.

The main problem I have is that I spend most of my time of this computer and don't even have more then two friends. Hence my small talk is very low and I can't talk to girls at all which even when one is really intrested in what I say I just make them lose all intrest, hopefully I'll learn one day but I've always perfered to listen then to speak,you learn so much more

I thought this might be interesting but I may never post in it again so, bleh so in the case of me changing beyond all knowing or dying. Then I would request that this be remembered as what I truly am and less of a blog like a message to be left and read and seen without me knowing.

First, I'll just state a little reminder to anyone who may know me offline (as in real life), you don't know me in the slightest as all you see is a huge act that I put on to get what I want from people. To those online you may know a small part of me but little of the whys about me, which I plan to, explain.

I found out at some point that I loved a girl, it showed me a few very interesting things within me that were previously untouched. For one I discovered how to shield myself from the world around me and did so by ignoring everything around me, a kind of inner peace but with total chaos. This grew to seeing people I knew but seeing them in a different light, I cannot to this day of writing this look into someone’s eyes without feeling as if I am going too far over the line and should stop. I am not saying I can see into someone’s heart by seeing into there eyes, it is more of a sharp pain when I do so reminding me why I do not do it each time I do. I also found out my purpose in life which keeps me sane and has led me to getting much stronger then before.

Still the pay off was the constant pain and sadness about being in love with someone in love with someone else. The girl was called Katherine, and the boy was named Callum both of course in each other’s classes and Callum of course not interested in Katherine in the slightest. This of course makes a huge irony for me because it started with me walking with Kath after the only class we are with each other together. It then led to Callum joking that we'd make a good couple, which of course made me laugh as if to joke about the mere thought but I had one eye open to see her reaction, more a one of horror then one of laughter. Then a year of hell insured with her constantly trying to make my life worse and trying to show me she was not interested. I of course was able to hide away and show a different face, showing that I did not care about anything she did and hated her. That was the start of my many faces and was the one I like to call 'Desmond Tiny' with him being the one I put on in front of my friends with him not caring about anything apart from himself.

After a year of constant torture It got to a point where by mistake she spat on me (her vengeance of me was not out of hate, more of love for Callum) which I still hold to be the most disrespectful thing you can do to a man's face. Yet she started by saying sorry and forgetting her act, I again hid and said nothing. She then spat again, not as much but on purpose and I again hid. I have no idea what happened but she has been nice to me ever since, not out of love, more for pity for me.

Hence, the births of my third face Lonely Flower, which means that I can be alone if I want /need too. This gave me all sorts of choices as now I could test her reaction to certain things and see if she had any feelings for me. For example, I would leave for 20 minutes and then come back and see if I would get a response of positive or negative, I got negative which wasn't bad as I was told later on that if she did hate me she'd ignore me, if she liked me she'd demand attention from me, which is what she did for a bit. I then thought I found the answer to my problems when one night I questioned my love, and I came up with one answer 'why doesn't she love me?' and I came with another question 'what is love?'

The answer to the first was because she was in love with someone else and hence I wasn't ether good enough or an option. The answer to the second is love is the connection you feel between anothers soul. I got this wrong the first time and thought it was a connection between the two souls so i thought 'HA I don't really love her then!' which of course I know is utter bollocks because I do but still for a few weeks I was able to go back to being the fun me and the normal me for a few weeks without feeling pain and sadness(still couldn't look her in the eyes but still a improvement)